for future reference

… so alone sometimes. Maybe you do too. I really wish we could be together for this oh-so-important moment in our lives. Baby is at about 18 weeks, 4 days now, I think. I look it up every day since we aren’t talking. I love you and miss you. Thinking of you both.

My friend Brandie wrote a pretty piece of automatic writing which she asked me to re-write/edit.

Here’s my piece:

Maybe she didn’t think of it as love but oh maybe she did when she lay her head against his chest to do that oh so comforting favorite thing of hers. She listened. She felt. The left side of his body her favorite, sounding off like the thrumming bass drum of her favorite band at a live concert. The music of his physiology. The distance between beats ever reliable (?). Under her he was a beautiful love song and she invented lyrics that she never dared sing aloud. Perhaps it was out of embarrassment; her voice not as beautiful as her visage. But she knew in her heart of hearts her mind of minds that it was the fear that perhaps the beat would eventually ebb to a death never to be heard again. Thump… thump… thump… beautiful song. Thump… thump… thump… marathon runner. She fell to lethargy simply listening; so beautiful it was. Overwhelmed by the force of it as it sent his chest into her ear, she could only sigh dreamily. Thump… thump… such vulnerability. Never ebb away, she prayed. Never recede with the tide of all things lost like so much else in this material world; ephemeral, brief like that butterfly she watched die on the pavement, its wings slowing like his pulse would after vigorous sex. Thump… thump… and there he was; prayer answered; surprise of surprises (!) better than roses, better than candlelit dinners. She wanted to sleep like that forever, thank the deity that she could never be certain existed for another thump; in that moment remember forever what she felt: the beauty of it all and especially her fears. Because for her, love could never be a promise (for is anything aside from death actually promised?) but its reality or appearance of reality was a record; and whether it would continue on endlessly in song or disappear in a glittering explosion of conflict or a slow fade of indifference was a matter for the record keepers to not decide but record. So she slept. Thump… thump… thump… it was out of her hands and all in her mind; love… love… love.

I don’t even know your name (whether you’re a boy or girl; soon, I hope), what you’re going to look like or how things are going to be when you get here. At 28, I honestly never thought I’d be writing something like this (I mean, I’m big on dreaming up hypotheticals but it’s something I think that I refused to imagine for the longest) because I never thought I’d be able to find that person who wanted something like you with me like I wanted with her. But I did. And you’ll be here in September. It’s all happened very fast but life is like that. No way in hell I’d take it back.

I just found out from your mommy that you are healthy, which has really been the best news I’ve gotten in a month. It’s been hard for me because as your father, there’s not much for me to do but work and wait and be emotional support. And I’m trying, but I can only imagine what might be going on in mommy’s head and body. Kira says that she’s proud that your mommy has grown up a whole lot now that you’re on your way. I’m proud of her, too, and I wish I could tell her; I wish I could be there with her; I wish that my worries and fears and concerns for you and her hadn’t manifested themselves in overbearing clinginess. Because maybe certain things would be different. 

Don’t worry, though, I know that despite every dream I may realize or whatever feat I may accomplish in my life, you will be the most important; the best. Frank Campagna told me that. And it’s weird, but if you weren’t going to be coming into my life soon, I’d probably think it just one of those clichés coming from a father. But you are going to be a person with your own thoughts and feelings and I can’t wait to meet you. I hope that you’re as beautiful and full of personality as your mother and that you have my appreciation of humanity (the good and the horrendously ugly). I want to be a good influence on you, but I won’t be perfect. We’ll struggle financially, but you will get everything you need and I hope a whole lot more.

I don’t know if your mommy and I will be together, but no matter what, we will love you and each other. When it comes down, we will all have each other, and you will always be a part of me. That’s what’s so strange about it. It was so easy to do what it takes to make you, but the ensuing emotional rollercoaster has been almost unbearable. It makes every disappointment in my life pale in comparison to what I’m feeling right now. And I’m going to make sure that I enjoy every minute of you, even the ones that are WORK. I want to give you a head start. I want you to know how to read and write BEFORE Kindergarten (like me, haha), and I want to teach you Spanish and Portuguese (the latter I didn’t really learn until I was well into my twenties). And that’s just mental growth stuff, which is important, but I don’t know what kind of person you will be. That’s for you to decide. I just want to give you all the tools.

That said, there are going to be a lot of people who love you and want the best for you, and you will probably get frustrated with all of us at some point. Just remember that everything you will go through, we’ve also been through. Of course, it’ll all seem easier-said-than-done, and that’s the way of things, I guess.

As my friend and mentor Dean said, (to paraphrase) ”No one is ready for parenthood. You can keep saying that you’re waiting for this or that; those right times; but you will never have children like that.” But we are having you and I couldn’t be happier. I accept that I’m not going to be ready for everything, but I’m gonna try my best. I’ve already got some plans (now that I’m wresting myself from the clutches of certain selfishnesses) and mommy and I should have money saved up (she’s been saving, and I’m just now going to have some to save).

I love you. Te Amo. Eu Adoro você.

Dad